Zendaya just found Jesus’s tomb but Fergie is “missing”

Zendaya just found Jesus’s tomb but Fergie is “missing,”
according to Middle Distance Drip State Connection,
the popular Popular Mechanics TV celebrity news show,
which operates as an extension of the celebrity website,
These Damn Rotten Kids — Always with the Problems!
I’m now watching Cher reviewing Sarah Jessica Parker’s
Adele’s Kingdom Hall Chicken Soup, a roman à clef
featuring hungry elders on boats, mysterious spores,
mandatory, structured public ministry, and a line of ants
of non-Earthly origin who drown after climbing the bowl,
told in second person from the point of view of the bowl.
“I wasn’t expecting the book to end with Zach Galifianakis,
 son of a heating oil vendor, crashing a plane into Venus,”
says Cher, “but I love how the bowl can’t say his name.
Neither can I, honestly, but that’s because I’m just lazy.”
Me, I learned the importance of saying names correctly
early on, as a member of a meat counter underclass.
It was forbidden to mix red and green peppers, but okay
to tie a bandana around a side of beef and call it a boy.
So check your privilege, Cher. Go out and find Fergie.