Fran Lebowitz at the Englert

I understand that this place is called Iowa City.
Greenwich Village isn’t a village, either.

It is definitely more fun to be in your 20s in the 70s
than in your 70s in the 20s.

Here’s what you learn by looking at yourself:
nothing.

I don’t even know what forgiveness means.
The 1% that didn’t go with Jesus—those are my people.

A family is a factory
for the manufacture of insanity.

People told me: You don’t understand this country
because you don’t watch reality television.

The most important job in a democracy is school librarian.
This country is insane.

I can’t remember the name of the book, but it should have
been called Nothing I Ever Did Was My Fault.

Most people who say they love to write
are terrible writers.

Except Toni. Toni loved to write.
People would ask her: Why do you like to write?

And she’d say:
Because otherwise you’re stuck with life.

In the 1950s, all children were raised the same:
Children are wild animals. They need to be tamed.

There’s three ways to look: young, old,
or surgical.

If you die young, people think you’re good looking forever.
But you don’t know it. Because you’re dead.

I didn’t even know I had knees.
What’s that? That’s the knee you didn’t know you had.

I smoke Marlboro Lights because they’re like the slut
you can always have. Maybe not the best, but available.

He had a tattoo of barbed wire across his throat
which I know not to be the sign of a Buddhist monk.

You should all be angry with your parents.
There’s no air, no water, now there’s going to be no jobs.

The only job that’s going to be left is plumber.
What was the first thing to break on the space shuttle?

After you graduate from this school,
you should all become plumbers.

Can you imagine a level of moral squalor
when real estate developers look down on you?

Do you have any metal parts in your body?
You afraid of those little mouses?